I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
