Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
