I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
