you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
