I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
