I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
