Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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