Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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