nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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