You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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