I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
