Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
