One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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