I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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