so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
