VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
