time to smoke my breakfast
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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