Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
