Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
