you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
