No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
