We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
