my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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