I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
