In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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