When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
