Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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