youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
