She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
