i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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