Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
