Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
