the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
