My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
