I wish I could teleport
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
