I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We are all done wearing pants today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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