Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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