i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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