I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
