did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
