Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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