He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
