He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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