checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
