why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
