Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
