i permit you to call me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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