you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
