if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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