An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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